EVANGELICAL ABUSE
I signed up for unconditional love and acceptance what I got was nearly twenty years of evangelical abuse. From my lonely studio apartment I moved into a bustling campus house where the sisters lived upstairs and the brothers lived downstairs. there was love but it came at a very high price. We had to break off every friendship with anyone not in the church. we were even discouraged from having much to do with our families. Every day was like running the gauntlet.
Every imperfection and “sin” was brought into the harsh light of the gospel. A brother would sidle up to me, place his arm my back and say: “I love you brother -- BUT: ...” The “but” was the kicker. After the “I love you” they could say anything with impunity, as it was said “in love.”. If I did not repent of the sin of leaving the toilet seat up I was “rebellious” and hard hearted, unteachable. It really did get that trivial. Nothing was off limits. The bible was just the beginning of an impossible laundry list of to-do’s essential for life and godliness. Constantly falling short of impossible spiritual goals kept us in a state of low self esteem and vulnerable to the all sorts of legalistic control.
We were taught that everyone that had ever left the church had “backslidden” and lost their salvation. Dangling over the pit of hell with only a gossamer thread of salvation we were willing to submit to most anything. There was no “recreational dating” in the cult. Men and women were not alone together -- ever. avoid “even the appearance of evil” -- God was supposed to secretly speak to my heart whom I would marry, then secretly speak to her heart with no interference from me. I would take my “word” to the pastor, and she would take her “word” to the pastor’s wife. If the two spiritual seers felt it was not god’s will we would repent of our lust. If it was the will of god --according to the pastor-- we would be permitted to become engaged. Not to date, but to be engaged to be married. We went right from brother /sister to fiancees! No physical contact was allowed for engaged couples. Chaperones were even preferred if the couple was alone together. Holding hands had formerly been forbidden, but recent revelations had approved it under some circumstances, even then it was considered risky. The couples first kiss EVER was at the altar on their wedding day! One couple kissed before their wedding day and the woman was brought before the church for having a “spirit of the harlot.” Facing this kind of humiliation we towed the line.
The cult was obsessed with sexual sin. The ONLY form of sexual activity that was acceptable was heterosexual marriage. Masturbation was forbidden as it was thinking about fornication which was the same as committing it. If I ever wanted to have guilt free sex on planet earth heterosexual marriage was my only option. Unless I felt I had the gift of celibacy, then I would live out my sexless life trying to avoid even masturbation. As a young man, with a very high sex drive, heterosexual marriage seemed like a viable option, well -- the only option. I was told that If I got married my “perverted” desires would subside, and god would continue to work out my healing. “Those feelings will fade when you get married.” Boy was that a lie. They did not fade, but they got progressively stronger. Heterosexual marriage was not satisfying -- it left me empty and longing for real connection and warmth. There was a deep emptiness in my soul that just got deeper and more acute. It was not just about the sexual aspect of the relationship it was about the emotional underpinning.
Pushing my true sexual identity below the surface was like placing a cement cap on a geyser. Initially it seemed to work, but over the years the pressure of sublimating my SELF built and built until I came bursting through the earth’s crust in a cataclysm of pain and joy, loss and renewal.
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*The primary group I was involved in was Maranatha Campus Ministries. the church controlled marriage system described here was called the "dating revelation".
*the artwork above is based on a political cartoon from: www.profaneexistence.com
References/Resources:
Reparative Therapy: A Pseudo Science
Jeffry G. Ford, MA, Licensed Psychologist, former leader in ex-gay ministries
Anything But Straight - Unmasking the scandals and lies behind the ex-gay myth.
Truth Wins Out
The truth about ex-gay ministries
Gay Christian Survivor Group
American Psychological Association’s primer
Just the Facts About Sexual Orientation & Youth
Religious Tolerance.Org
National Mental Health Association re: bullying of gay youth.