THE CULT
There are really no words to describe the pain of being disowned from your family. To hear your mother say “adjust to the fact that you are no longer our son”. I was eighteen years old, and this was on the heels of an excruciating high school experience. I was clinically depressed from the age of fourteen, that is when I realized what it meant to be gay, when I had words to describe what I was feeling, who I was on the inside -- the little me that everyone hated the: queer, faggot, homo, scum... I thought that suicide was an unforgiveable sin and thus would never kill myself, but that did not stop me from praying that God would do the deed. Throughout high school I was threatened with institutionalization, which horrified me. This fear prevented my seeking counseling for depression until I was nearly 35 years old. Through “tough love” , what I call “punishing love” my parents were trying to control me, to force me into behaving as they wanted me to. Tragically they did not realize that nothing could change who I was deep down to the very DNA of my being. Ever since I became aware that my sexual orientation was different I had tried to change. It was like trying to grow a new arm or changing the color of my skin. Mostly I practiced self loathing, mirroring the physical and verbal abuse that followed me every day at school and at home. All I ever wanted was to be loved and that had eluded me always. Everyone I had ever loved had rejected me. I accepted the fact that I was unloveable (if my own parents can disown me, who could love me?). The disowning happened January 1st, 1983. Soon after that I remember having to pawn my microscope for eight dollars so I could buy butter, potatoes and macaroni. After I was disowned I had several failed relationships with men. After the last painful breakup I was fully devastated and disillusioned about my prospects for finding a man that would love me. To a cult I was ripe for the picking: broke, low self esteem, no family, no friends.
I was working at a restaurant owned by born again christians and many of the wait staff were members of an extremely cultlike campus ministry. The game was called “friendship evangelism” in other words: I will be your friend if you join my church, if you leave the church and “backslide” you will be shunned. Amazingly the deal sounded good to me at the time. After weeks of being told how sinful and evil I was and being promised unconditional love and eternal salvation I accepted a bible and went to a meeting. While I was being courted as a salvation recruit my life story was being relayed to the pastor of the church and other members at weekly bible studies and meetings under the guise of “praying for me”. I went to church with my new friends on a sunny spring day, everyone knew who I was they had been praying for me going on weeks. The sermon was on UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. The salvation message was laid out: first the depravity of man and especially homosexuals was related. No homosexual or sinner would ever enter the kingdom of god. I was destined for a life and afterlife of misery and pain unless I repented. If I repented of my sin and came to Jesus I would get a new heart, old things would pass away and all things would become new. I would be a new creature and be healed of my sins! Wow. The preacher said: “in the world you have experienced rejection and conditional love. In the kingdom of god you will never experience rejection. you will be accepted and loved unconditionally. come to Jesus, give him your sins and your pain and let him wash them away.” After the preaching there was a time of fervent praying in tongues while piano music played in the background. The preacher closed his eyes - trancelike- in rapt attention to an inner voice as the Lord revealed the secrets of my life to him. I sat in my chair tears streaming down my face as he relayed his supposed word of “knowledge”: “someone in this place has led a life of rejection. You have been disowned from your family and sought the love of men through perversion. time and time again you have been rejected and cast off by the world. You have tried and tried to be understood and to be loved. come to Jesus, repent of your sins and be made whole. come into the kingdom of god where you will never be rejected. come receive the unconditional love that only god can give”
I couldn’t believe it. A life time of rejection and pain, trying to find love and here it was. Free for the taking --a magic pill that would make all the pain go away and at last I would be whole and “normal”.
I stood up and walked the aisle. Next
The primary group I was involved in was Maranatha Campus Ministries.
Reparative Therapy: A Pseudo Science
Jeffry G. Ford, MA, Licensed Psychologist, former leader in ex-gay ministries
Anything But Straight - Unmasking the scandals and lies behind the ex-gay myth.
Truth Wins Out
The truth about ex-gay ministries
Gay Christian Survivor Group
American Psychological Association’s primer
Just the Facts About Sexual Orientation & Youth
Religious Tolerance.Org
National Mental Health Association re: bullying of gay youth.