WHY I WROTE THIS
I posted my story here to try to put a human face on the suffering of gays and lesbians. My story is parallel to the stories of many other gay and lesbian persons, but by and large we suffer in silence due to societal pressures to “cover” our true identities. I have taken a huge risk from a financial or business standpoint by sharing my story online in this way. Religion and politics are not to be discussed in “polite society” and certainly not mixed with business. However, some things are more important than money, and if I can persuade one mother or father from disowning their gay child, or forcing them into a “treatment program” my goal will be met. My posting of this autobiography and the abuses entailed within should not be taken as evidence that I can’t “get over it” , “move on” or “forgive” the people who hurt me. I do not dwell on these negative things, I am living life now not suffering. However, the challenge of my life is to come to peace with my past and get to a place of indifference toward those who injured me. I work mightily to “not think about” these things, but trying not to think about something entails thinking about it, so healing is by degrees. Love and happiness are proving to be the most powerful healers.
My goal is not to hurt my biological family or the people in my past life, but to reveal an overarching pattern of injustice suffered by all non-heterosexual persons. Though I was once a very “spiritual” person, now I am a rationalist. Spending nearly two decades in the farthest right wing of social and political conservatism permanently cured me of any idealistic visions of faith and spirituality. Unfortunately, my life was deeply marked by negative experiences with people who used their faith to justify the most crueI, unjust and in some cases illegal actions. Certainly, I do not mean to malign all religions, or spiritual people. It is just that the ones I chose to align myself with most intimately proved to be very toxic to me. I currently have a many people of faith in my life who are very affirming.
Regarding my experiences with the euphemistically titled “reparative therapy” movement:
I believe that sexual orientation is absolutely as immutable as our skin color or the DNA in our bodies. I do not believe that there is a single “gay gene” but research continues to show that there is an irrefutable “biological substrate” to homosexuality. I have never met a gay person who felt that they chose their sexual orientation. They came to terms with it, but they never chose it -- just as the most dyed in the wool heterosexual reading this could not be slapped in a “treatment program” and converted to homosexuality.
I am a survivor of nineteen years in the "transformational ministry" [5] movement (not unlike the programs promoted by Focus on the Family’s Love Won Out tour) . My experiences within the fundamentalist religious/political milieu that promotes the idea that homosexuals are sick and need to be healed was horrific. The movement is packaged in a very slick mainstream way, but the procedures vary widely and can include bizarre spiritual rituals that could be characterized as christian voo doo and evangelical abuse. I submitted to every tool in the "transformational ministry" arsenal: religious conversion, renunciation of homosexuality and all my social contacts, extensive daily prayer, fasting (up to five days at a time), up to weekly exorcisms some lasting many hours each, "spiritual warfare” including: inner healing, deliverance ministry and the breaking of generational curses (supposedly going back hundreds or thousands of years), 12-step type programs, aversion therapy. Nothing helped. My excruciating journey culminated with christian psychotherapy that prescribed massive doses of four different medications designed to eliminate my sex drive and enable me to live in the state of suicidal depression brought on my nearly two decades of trying to accomplish the impossible. Trying to change one's sexual orientation is akin to growing a new arm or changing the color of one's skin. After nineteen years of doing everything offered by the Transformational Ministry movement to be “cured” of homosexuality my sexual orientation had not changed in the least. Although I entered into a heterosexual marriage I was not straight or “cured” I was just a gay man married to a woman. I spent 15 years in that marriage trying to make it work, living a well-intentioned lie. I ending up emotionally devastated, filled with even more self loathing, guilt and suicidal ideation as there was no way be straight (heterosexual). The alternative, I was told, was eternal damnation. When I confessed I was not able "to change" I lost my entire social world, was disassociated from my own business, lost my biological family and was shunned by all the "loving" fundamentalists I had surrounded myself with for my entire adult life. That is not love: it is hatred and bigotry wrapped in a sugar coating of piety and justified by a fundamentalist interpretation of scripture.
I implore anyone considering a transformational ministry program, or other “reparative therapy” for yourself or a family member to talk to a medical professional first. All the major health and mental health professions in our country condemn so called “Reparative Therapy” and it’s faith-based cousin Transformational Ministry including the American Psychological Association, American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Counseling Association, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Association of Social Workers [1]. Success stories are strictly based on testimonials. Efficacy of these programs is not backed up by unbiased scientific data, published in a peer-reviewed journals or studied in accurate, longitudinal surveys.[2]
American Psychological Association President Rodrigo Muñoz, M.D.:
“There
is no scientific evidence that reparative or conversion therapy is
effective in changing a person's sexual orientation." He added that
"there is, however, evidence that this type of therapy can be
destructive."
APA’s official statement:
“the
potential risks of ‘reparative therapy' are great, including
depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior, since therapist
alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce
self-hatred already experienced by the patient.”
According to the National Mental Health Association [3] gay, lesbian and bisexual youth are subjected to extreme verbal and physical abuse and threats. They hear anti-gay slurs about once every fourteen minutes at school. They are two to seven times more likely to attempt suicide and three times more likely to drop out of school than heterosexual students. This is not because of their sexual orientation per se, but because of the hatred and bigotry that surrounds them. Because of this abuse, Gay and Lesbian students are often full of self-loathing, and are very vulnerable to false claims of "healing".
Next
References/Resources:
1. American Psychological Association’s primer
Just the Facts About Sexual Orientation & Youth
2. Religious Tolerance.Org
3. National Mental Health Association re: bullying of gay youth.
4. Anything But Straight - Unmasking the scandals and lies behind the ex-gay myth.
5. Truth Wins Out
The truth about ex-gay ministries
Reparative Therapy: A Pseudo Science
Jeffry G. Ford, MA, Licensed Psychologist, former leader in ex-gay ministries